Now some of you may know me from Bridget Jones’s Diary, where I play the sensible and sturdy 
alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie Love Actually, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be 
familiar with Pride and Prejudice, where I play the part of Mr. . . 

AMY POEHLER
rushes in, dressed and acting like Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice interrupting Colin
Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

COLIN FIRTH
OK, I think I know this one. changes manner of deliver to Mr. Darcy This is such I was from eight, to 
eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

AMY POEHLER
sighs

COLIN FIRTH
That’s a scene from Pride and Prejudice.

AMY POEHLER
Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

COLIN FIRTH
Thank you.

AMY POEHLER
And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

COLIN FIRTH
Well, good for you. (tries to move away from Amy) So on with the show . . .

MAYA RUDOLPH 
descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet. 

MAYA RUDOLPH
(screaming out in a very un-Juliet manner)
Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

COLIN FIRTH
(laughing)
Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

MAYA RUDOLPH
(loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book)
Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

COLIN FIRTH
(playing Romeo for her)
Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Ooooh, that was good!

COLIN FIRTH
Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the 
possibility that . . .

AMY POEHLER
But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

MAYA RUDOLPH
Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and 
Kylie Minogue.

COLIN FIRTH
I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or 
something?

RACHEL DRATCH 
enters in period attire and says in a highly dramatic manner
Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait with furrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

RACHEL DRATCH 
without warning grabs Colin Firth and kisses him

COLIN FIRTH
(laughing)
Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

RACHEL DRATCH
(distractedly)
What now?

COLIN FIRTH
What play? What was that from?

RACHEL DRATCH
Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to 
town on some English dude.

COLIN FIRTH
(laughs) 
Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

SETH MEYERS 
enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.

SETH MEYERS
(stammering)
Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to 
Englishmen?

COLIN FIRTH
Hello.

SETH MEYERS
(stammering)
Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these 
lovely ladies.

COLIN FIRTH
(trying to get on with the show)
Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could just get to the end of the. . .

SETH MEYERS
(interrupts and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love 
scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty 
remover. Oh, dear, what’s this?  Something here. (He pats one jacket pocket and then pulls out a 
lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia 
Roberts. Lovely.

COLIN FIRTH
Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

AMY POEHLER 
comes in from stage rear looking angry and pulls the knickers out of his hand.

AMY POEHLER
Come on, Seth!  Those are mine!

SETH MEYERS
(reverting to his true self)
You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here 'cause you’ve worked 
with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

COLIN FIRTH
(showing interest)
Oh really? Let’s see it?

SETH MEYERS
(faulters with hands on hips, disappointed)
That was it. When I came in.

COLIN FIRTH
(looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates)
Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

SETH MEYERS
(slighted and a bit huffy)
Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a 
heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

COLIN FIRTH
You do not? (puts his hand on Seth’s shoulder and says with a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my 
heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

SETH MEYERS
melting
Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

COLIN FIRTH
(smiling)
Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be 
right back!