[Film clip]

Craig: This is Colin Firth! [v. loud applause]

[Colin enters, they greet each other and he sits down]

Colin Firth: [smiling, nodding] Thank you. [applause]

Craig: They love you! Let's first point out, just so there's
no competition - you're taller than I am. Ok, that's what it is.You're taller than I am.

Colin: You don't have to say that. [to audience] We had issues in the dressing room.

Craig: I had no issues.

Colin: No, I have a few issues but I….

Craig: ….you're taller. Congratulations. [applause]

Colin: Thank you very much. I've always felt tall but nobody warned me about this situation.

Craig: What are you? Six three? Six two?

Colin: [gesturing towards Craig's chair] How high is that chair? It's quite high, isn't it?

Craig: Oh, stop!

Colin: `Cause I think, if you're already tall that's a sign of a lot of insecurity. [applause]

Craig: [smiling] Yes. Nice to meet you. I'm a fan of your work. Now, the women love you, don't they? [more applause, screams]

[Colin smiles broadly, looking around at audience]

Craig: [To audience] Actually, actually, I was asking him that. They do, don't they?

Colin: [smiling] Well… have you got a guy there making them ..? [mimes someone leading the audience in applause]

Craig: No. It's the looks, but it's also the parts you play, right? [applause]

Colin: Yeah, it's also the parts. I don't know what it is, actually. I've been trying to convince my wife about this and she won't really.…

Craig: … ooh, ooh, you just broke a lot of hearts by saying `my wife' by the way. [Colin chuckles] But that's ok. 

Colin: [smiling] Um, yeah, well… she [laughter]… she won't talk about it, and she's never watching when  one of these moments comes up, when people make a lot of noise, and someone says, women love you …

Craig: …[smiling] you mean she doesn't watch my show? [Colin chuckles] Or, she's not with you when you go out and the screaming fans are there?

Colin: Well, she tries to watch it, but with a screaming baby at five o'clock in the morning…

Craig: [nodding] …Oh, I see.

Colin: … over on the other side of the planet, basically. So, when she can.

Craig: Now, how long have you been married?

Colin: I have been married… [pause] Oh God, you caught me on this one…

Craig: I'm sorry. These are tough…

Colin: … six years.

Craig: Six years. And she's Italian.

Colin: Yes.

Craig: And was she familiar with your work prior to meeting you?

Colin: No.

Craig: No, she was not.

Colin: No, nobody was. [laughter]

Craig: You weren't making a lot of movies six years ago?

Colin: No, I was making a lot of movies. It's just that nobody went to see any of them.

Craig: Did she know you were kind of a sex symbol prior to meeting you?

Colin: No. And she still doesn't.

Craig: She still doesn't.

Colin: I did my best to convince her that I was very famous and considered a sex symbol at the time we met, and she was very skeptical about it, naturally. Unfortunately, a lot of other English people working on the movie with us who succeeded in convincing her that nobody had heard of me. [laughter]

Craig: [smiling] Ah, that's classic.

Colin: [nodding] Yeah, it was quite unpleasant for me.

Craig: Right, right. Now where do you guys live.

Colin: We live mostly in England. We live part of the time in Italy.

Craig: And is there any problem with the language or no?

Colin: Between us, we have some. I think, sometimes the better you think you know the language, the worse the problems you're going to get. I mean, its, um … ordering in a restaurant. The Italians have very subtle things like, you have to pronounce the consonants. Double consonants.

Craig: Uh, huh.

Colin: It's not spaghetti. Its "spaghet-ti". It's two Ts.

Craig: Ah.

Colin: Um. It's not penne pasta. It's "pen-ne". And if you order penne pasta - penne arribiatta - you're actually ordering an angry penis! [v. loud applause]

Craig: No! No!

Colin: [nodding] You have to be very careful what you order in Italy because the Italians can be very accommodating. You don't want your Tuscan holiday ruined by an angry penis. I can only speak for myself [laughter]

Craig: Yeah, you know I've never had . . . mine's never experienced …mine's never been angry, mine's always happy.

Colin: [smiling] I'm sorry.

Craig: Here's what always bothers me. That each time there's a language barrier or they say the wrong word, what are the chances that it's a dirty word? It's always a dirty word. Or maybe, you just said, let me use  angry penis as far as ordering the pasta….

Colin: No, no, every mistake you make is a dirty word. 

Craig: So you speak some Italian and she speaks very good English?

Colin: Yes, she does.

Craig: I guess in the movie Love Actually, you're with another British heartthrob, ah, Hugh Grant.

Colin: Oh yeah, I know the guy.

Craig: So what's it like? When you two are together, it must be magic!

Colin: Its wonderful. It's a really fuzzy, warm thing we have.

Craig: So, if you guys walk in the same room together, the women - how do they make a choice? [v. loud applause, catcalls]

Colin: [smiling] Um, we're very rarely in the same room together. I tell you, we've been in the same airport together, and we've been in the same hotel lobby together and they do make a choice. This is 3 years ago, so I'm hoping they've updated their opinions since then.

Craig: What did they do?

Colin: Well, arriving at LAX with Hugh, every obstacle melted away in front of us, basically. Every electronic door, every immigration officer, you know, because Hugh is there.

Craig: [smiling] Yeah.

Colin: Limo slides up, and he let's me share his limo. [laughter]

Craig: Yeah.

Colin: And we arrive at the hotel and special services and VIP people come rushing up, past me.

Craig: Ouch!

Colin: [gesturing] My hand sort of gets brushed aside. Hugh actually being quite a gentleman, tries to introduce me to the special services people. They just don't want to know.

Craig: They don't want to know. That hurts.

Colin: I just realized at this moment, that I could have been lying, bleeding, on the carpet and they'd have walked over me to get to him. We made it into the elevator, eventually. I thought the nightmare was
over - with our bags on the trolley thing - and we went past my floor. And I said, "I'm on the 9th floor", and guy said "I don't have your bags"….

Craig: … Oww…

Colin: [smiling] … "you have to go back down and get them". [laughter]

Craig: That is terrible. No, that's disrespectful. If I were you, I would feel like, an angry penis! [loud applause, Colin chuckles] Alright, we're going to come back and talk about Girl With a Pearl Earring. Also, Five Questions with Colin Firth.

[commercial break]

Craig: [holding up head shot of Colin as Vermeer] Colin Firth, Girl With a Pearl Earring, its about the somewhat famous painter, artist, right? [close up on Vermeer head shot] Is that your hair or is that a
wig?

Colin: No, that was thrust upon me. That is not home grown.

Craig: Yeah, and was there some concern about that?

Colin: Oh yes. There was – when I read the script I thought there was no downside to this. Oh, wait a minute, wig, alert. It was quite a chilling moment, really because I thought, "Great role, but everything ruined by wig purgatory".

Craig: Exactly, because people would not take you seriously if the wig does not look good.

Colin: No, and that's the struggle without the wig. 

Craig: Oh, stop! 

Colin: And so, I went through all these Dutch painting, catalogs, and I'm thinking there's got to be a guy in there somewhere with short hair. They all looked liked they played death metal. [applause] One thing I've learned, is that a man of my age with hair like that is forgiven – if he had hair like that. Let's say if there were
a guy hair like this, he would be forgiven if he walking out of his makeup trailer, goes straight into the nearest men's room and in front of a mirror, and justs play an air guitar.

Craig: Yeah. This is a good-looking wig as far as….

Colin: …It's fine.

Craig: Doesn't bother me. We're going to play Five in a second. I've always wanted to hear…. Can you do an  American accent?

Colin: You know, that's a terrible question to ask. [laughter]

Craig: Thank you. I'm good with those.

Colin: I would love to say yes, but if you make me do it now, I would never get hired again.

Craig: Ok. So we need to save it for next time?

Colin: Mine just needs a little bit more work, perharps.

Craig: `Cause you haven't had to do it?

Colin: No, I've done it a couple times - with work. I come from a generation – my drama school – was of the De Niro-worship generation. It was in the wake of Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. And so all these Brits were walking around, endlessly saying, [mimicking De Niro in deep voice] "You talkin' to me?" 

Craig: There it is.That's all I needed to hear.

Colin: [in manner of Joey of Friends] How you doin'?

Colin: [in American accent] You f****d my wife?!

Craig: [reels back, feigning puzzled expression as he looks at audience][laughter]

Colin: I was told I could say that!

Craig: [gleefully] Oh sure, go ahead!

Colin: What they do then is …

Craig: … no, take your time.

Colin: I'm sorry. Five Questions…

Craig: No. Go ahead.

Colin: I just want to… I was just looking at… I know you've got more …[gesturing towards Craig's notes on table] `cause they scare me.

Craig: No, I want to hear more.

Colin: They were researching roles and every role they got, they'd have to put on weight and box. They'll be doing Othello or The Importance of Being Earnest, and they'd all be [Colin pretending to box], You f****d my wife?! You f****d my wife?!

Craig: That's funny! [v. loud applause, catcalls]

Colin: Do you want to… go ahead with the five questions?

Craig: Do you want to swear some more?

Colin: [smiling] Go ahead. [applause]

Craig: Time for Five Questions. I will say the first question is very tough. In your new movie you play a painter. Purple is the combination of what two colors?

Colin: Red and blue.

Craig: That is correct. That's a tough one, isn't it?

Colin: [wiping brow] Oh, yeah, that's very… stressful.

Craig: You'll be fine. Which is better: British food or British porn? [applause]

Colin: [slight pause] That's actually pretty easy.

Craig: I think so, too.

Colin: I mean, we've had only a few years to develop the food thing, you know.

Craig: Yeah.

Colin: We're highly sophisticated in the other area. [applause]

Craig: Yes, looking for porn is correct. Question number three, now, I do not want you to say it out loud, I want you to tell me when you think of an American car company. Don't say it out loud. Tell me when
you have it.

Colin: [eyes closed, concentrating] Alright.

Craig: Have you got it?

Colin: Yes.

Craig: Ok. Now, I want you to think of another one. Second one. Do you have it?

Colin: Yes.

Craig: What is it?

Colin: Chevy or Chevrolet. [applause]

Craig: Yes, we'll accept Chevy or Cadillac. Ford was first?

Colin: Sorry?

Craig: Ford was first?

Colin: No, I kept thinking Hummer, Humvee, but then …

Craig: We can't accept. No, that's fine. We're going to have KC and the Sunshine Band in a few weeks. Which one of the following is not the actual title of a song by KC and the Sunshine Band – Shake
Your Booty, I'm Your Boogie Man, Boogie Shoes, or Boogie Till Your Booty Drop? [laughter] Which one is not a real title?

Colin: Shake Your Booty!

Craig: [buzzer goes off] Incorrect!

Colin: [throwing his hands up in frustration] Oh!

Craig: It's Boogie Till Your Booty Drop.

Colin: Ok.

Craig: No, you're doing very well. Make up a British sounding word for "undergarments"? British sounding - can't be a real one.

Colin: I've got to make it up?

Craig: You've got to make it up, somehow. And you can't swear either. [laughter]

Colin: Can't be… bloomers?

Craig: No, it can't be bloomers, either. You've used up your…

Colin: … my quota… umm … "jolly hose"! [applause, catcalls]

[Craig bursts out laughing, Colin smiles]

Craig: Very good. Girl with a Pearl Earring is in select cities starting on Friday. It's got Colin Firth and also Scarlett Johansson A pleasure, Colin Firth. Really nice meeting you. You're very good.

We'll be right back!